Look for these 9 key traits from the DSM-5
Narcissism.
That word is, admittedly, thrown around a lot. Like, a lot, a lot. But just because it may be over-used or used incorrectly, doesn’t mean that it’s a term without any use. Especially when it fits.
For the longest time I couldn’t figure out what was wrong with my (now ex) boyfriend, I thought his abusive behavior wasn’t that bad or it was something I did. When I finally put the pieces together and realized he was likely an undiagnosed malignant narcissist, it all made sense.
My informal diagnosis fit like a glove and made healing so much easier knowing how deep the disorder ran. It wasn’t me, it was him that was sick in the head, and unfortunately, hurting those closest to him.
So, let’s see if your significant other truly is, or could be, a narcissist.
*Disclaimer: I am not a licensed therapist, psychologist, psychiatrist, or doctor. I am not attempting to, nor am I able to diagnose individuals; only a licensed mental health professional is qualified to determine whether someone does, in fact, have Narcissistic Personality Disorder as defined by the DSM-5.
Having said that, two things to keep in mind:
1: someone with NPD will literally never go to therapy to get diagnosed in the first place;
2: the DSM-5 (Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders Volume 5) is available for us to read and see for ourselves if the shoe fits. Again, it will never be an official diagnosis, this is solely for your own knowledge, peace of mind, and healing.
Let’s dive in and break down this personality disorder within the clinical framework.
Your partner might be a narcissist if they consistently present 5 out of these 9 criteria, AND, those criteria severely impact their day-to-day lives in a negative way:
1. A grandiose sense of self-importance
What this means: “Everyone is a part of my hierarchy and I am at the top.”
What this looks like: the whole world revolves around him. Despite what he’s doing (or not doing) with his life, he thinks he is very important, like on the level of a King, President, Pop Star, or famous actor. He is objectively above you and everyone else.
This sense of self-importance can be loud or quiet, extravagant or demure. It’s the energy of this criteria rather than the execution. Even someone living a humble 9-5 life fancies himself as a Very Important Person, and expects everyone else to fall in line with that fantasy, even if it’s never explicitly voiced.
2. A preoccupation with fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty, or ideal love
What this means: “I am perfect and my reality should reflect that delusion.”
What this looks like: Nothing is ever good enough for him. He is a 10, you are a 4. His kid is THE BEST kid. The Narcissist is the BEST at his job and everyone else is incompetent. No one can do things as good as he can. Whatever he wants he can have. He is smarter than everybody else; his co-workers are lazy sheep asleep at the wheel, even as he cuts corners himself.
The narcissist’s partner will feel compelled to make him look good and cater to his every whim, even at the expense of the partner’s comfort or safety. The Narcissist daydreams about the perfect love, the perfect life, but reality always comes up short and they are never content.
3. A belief that he or she is special and unique and can only be understood by, or should associate with, other special or high-status people or institutions
What this means: “Exclusivity is the name of the game. Are you good enough to be in my presence?”
What this looks like: A narcissist seeks out privileged people and positions. He should never be seen amongst the common masses. Fibbing about status also never hurts.
A narcissist has no problem lying about being the touring drummer in a big band or about who he knows or his accomplishments. Someone with NPD will craft a whole fake history of themselves to look good or get you interested in them. The Narc thrives on appearing special and better than the average person in any way they can.
4. A need for excessive admiration
What this means: “Look at me! Admire me! Adore me!”
What this looks like: Whether they deserve it or not, someone with NPD thrives on constant admiration and attention. Somehow they always turn the conversation back to themselves. If you talk about your day or something that doesn’t interest them, they will quickly tune out or get distracted.
And you better never, ever, give them any sort of critique or construction feedback. Even the slightest hint that they are not perfect will completely derail them, and put you on their black list. Forever.
5. A sense of entitlement
What this means: “I should get whatever I want, when I want it, without effort or merit.”
What this looks like: it doesn’t matter if he’s a 4, he expects to pull 10’s. Rules for thee not for me. There is an undercurrent of audacity and entitlement to whatever whim floats through his head at the moment, without regard for anyone else.
Even if he made previous commitments to say, going to dinner with you, if he doesn’t feel like going then you’re not going and you should be happy about it. He is god of his little universe and all must revolve around him.
6. Interpersonally exploitive behavior
What this means: “I will use whoever I need to in order to get what I want.”
What this looks like: Everyone, and I mean EVERYONE, in their orbit is a means to an end. Even their partner, parents, best friend. Yes, even their own children are subject to the exploitative nature of the Narc. They have zero problems using people like appliances, then discarding them once they’ve served or outlived their purpose. And if you don’t meet some explicit need of theirs, they really don’t see the point of having you around.
7. A lack of empathy
What this means: “I really only give a shit about myself and what I want.”
What this looks like: He only appears to “care” about others in so far as it concerns or affects him. Narcissists are often good at faking or mirroring empathy, but they are incapable of truly feeling what another is experiencing, particularly if they’re going through a tough time.
I personally believe a lack of empathy is one of the key features of someone with NPD, and it is ironically the one thing that is integral to being human; it’s what sets us apart from other animals.
Narcissists have lost their own humanity and are empty vessels feeding off of others. If you confide to them about a deep loss or trauma, they’ll basically go, “That sucks. … Anyway—!” and on to the thing they REALLY want to talk about—themselves.
8. Envy of others or a belief that others are envious of him or her
What this means: “Even though I’m secretly jealous of what others have, I am perfect and should be the one who everyone wants to be.”
What this looks like: Everything with a narcissist is projection. If he complains about a family member being fake, that means he himself is fake. At the same time he wishes he was popular like her, even though popularity usually demands a certain level of fake-ness.
Or he whines about girls getting free drinks at the club just because they’re pretty. That guy would love to be bought drinks just for his appearance. He longs to be sexually desired by multiple people at once. Yet, those women are beneath him or are “ugly” and he wouldn’t want them anyway (even though he secretly does and would if given the chance.)
9. A demonstration of arrogant and haughty behaviors or attitudes
What this means: “I am above reproach and can do no wrong, how dare you question me.”
What this looks like: He acts condescending towards you or others, maybe making belittling remarks or backhanded compliments. He often has a snobby, know-it-all attitude even on subjects he knows nothing about. This ties in with his sense of entitlement and superiority above others as mentioned earlier.
The Narcissist can never be wrong, and since they live in a zero-sum game of duality, you—by default—can never be right. They’re always the winner, and you’re eternally the loser.
How many did they score out of 9? Are you convinced your Significant Other might have NPD?
I hope this breakdown helped you make sense of your own situation. If you need further clarification or support with a narcissist in your life, please reach out for a free consultation.